Practice Self-care and Plan a Mindfulness Retreat: My Silent Retreat at a Buddhist Monastery
Have you ever heard of a silent retreat? Or perhaps you have wondered about a weekend retreat for yourself. Not always easy to catch a break but it is important to prioritize self care in whatever form feels right for you. It can be very therapeutic to take time away, to recharge your batteries and do something to break up the monotony of our lives. I understand that not every one has the means to take extravagant vacations or spend thousands on a yoga retreat. Let me tell you about something I did for myself last year, that has had lasting effects on my outlook and well being.
Feeling Overwhelmed
About a year ago I hit a rough patch. Some old baggage bubbled up and a gloom settled in that I just couldn't shake. I felt stuck and my usual remedies were not doing the trick. I didn't feel like myself and I needed something positive to focus on. An earlier post that I wrote, Meditation for Newbies , talks about my introduction to meditation and suggestions for starting a practice of your own, offering a mindfulness meditation guide for beginner's. Since becoming a mother for the second time, I had started to prioritize meditation in my life as a mandatory practice to help me in my journey through motherhood. I also had begun to casually read some Buddhist literature. Nothing too intense. A few books that gave basic tutorials on meditation and Buddhist philosophy. You can check out a few of my favorites here. On top of that, a good friend of mine had been attending these "silent" retreats, where you visit a retreat center and refrain from talking for an agreed upon amount of time while practicing meditation. It sounded a little intimidating but I kept in the back of my mind.
The little bit of meditation I had been practicing more regularly had definitely brought some light into my life. Then one day I decided to take it a step further and do a little research. I quite literally got on the internet, found the nearest Buddhist monastery within reasonable driving distance, perused their website a bit and discovered that they offered silent weekend retreats for a beginner like me, for less than $200! This covered all meals, lodging and instruction. There was an upcoming retreat being offered called "Loving Kindness". Well, that sounded lovely!! Without thinking much more about it, I signed up.
The day of my retreat finally arrived. I had arranged for after school kid care till my hubby got home, so I was all set! It was about a three hour drive to the monastery. I arrived nervous, excited and ready to embark on something new. I was proud of myself for doing something special and positive just for me, albeit struggling with some feelings of guilt which is the norm for me when I take time away from my family. But all the same, generally feeling good and supported by my family.
The monastery occupied an old elementary school and was perched up on a hill looking over an expansive valley. A bit nervous, I walked into the front office to check in and was greeted by a young woman with kind eyes and a mane of dark hair cascading over her purple woven poncho. With a smile she asked, "What brings you to the monastery?". Awkwardly on the defensive, I replied, "Well, that's a loaded question!" to which she replied, "I only meant how did you learn about us". "Oh, right", I said. "Sorry, I guess I am a little nervous...I found it on the internet". Cringing at my response, I quickly let go of my self-criticism, and moved on. After checking in I was escorted to my humble abode for the weekend. I was led into this large carpeted room with soft lighting and a circular sunken sitting area in the center. Along the walls were various foam rollers, yoga mats, yoga balls and self-back massaging tools. The carpeted room beckoned you to lay down and stretch...a wellness playground, if you will. Just off this room was an area separated by multiple curtains, the curtains forming little shoe box shaped dorm rooms, about 12' long by 6' wide. Each one contained a single bed and a small dresser with a lamp and a single shell. To me it was perfect. Simple, clean, no toys, no stuff, no clutter, no noise. Just me and this tiny shell. I sat down on the bed with a sigh of relief, shut my phone down (FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND!) and stared at the little shell. What a relief.
Mindful Eating
Moments later, someone came wandering through, ringing a bell which signaled the retreaters to head to the cafeteria for dinner. Before sitting, we were instructed to gather in one large circle. There were around 80 people. We were each handed a small piece of paper with a prayer of sorts on it. Together we read from the sheet prose of gratitude for this space and this meal. Our next instruction was on the topic of mindful eating. We were told to consider eating our meal mindfully, which meant we were to chew and experience every bite slowly. Consider the flavors and textures while focusing only on our food. If our minds drifted off we were simply to take pause and resume focusing on our food. We were also told that this would be the beginning of our vow of silence for the weekend. So no talking to one another and generally no interacting beyond a simple bow when passing someone. We were also told to limit eye contact! Seemed a little intense at first but as I got used to it, I quite enjoyed this opportunity to simply be quiet. Do I ever get to do this? With two young kiddos and a busy life, pretty rarely. It was kind of amazing.
The food was a simple vegetarian meal of rice and vegetables and lentils. And, let me tell you....it tasted fantastic! Not that the meal was anything extraordinary, tasty for sure, but getting the chance to eat mindfully allowed me to really focus on how good food is and how lucky I am to have it. Lastly, I was totally stuffed at the end...which is also rare for me. I am one of those moms that finishes my own meal and then moves on to my kids left overs and then proceeds to snack all day. What can I say...I'm an eater! But throughout the entire weekend I was very disciplined about this whole mindful eating business (and since you couldn't talk to anyone anyways, it made it pretty easy) and I was ALWAYS full. The quiet cafeteria was filled with only the delicate sounds of clinking utensils and the occasional grateful groan of satisfaction. It was pretty special stuff.
What is Zazen?
After the meal we had some down time in our carpeted sanctuary before being instructed to come to our first zazen, or seated meditation, in the meditation hall. A simple code of conduct, appropriate attire and basic instruction in different meditation positions, was covered before entering. There was a plethora of options from chairs to various pillows and little meditation kneeling benches, as well as blankets to wrap yourself in.
Loving Kindness Meditation Practice
I entered the hall and was immediately overcome with gratitude. This beautiful candlelit room welcomed you with a warm glow and a gorgeous large statue of the Buddha at the far end of the hall. Each spot contained a large flat square pillow, where you were to create your own little meditation nest with any of the supplies provided. I watched as other retreaters lovingly bowed toward their pillow and began to dust it off and tidy it up before arranging themselves in a comfortable seated position. The session lasted 25 minutes and began with a story and instruction for the specific Loving Kindness meditation practice. This practice is also referred to as "metta", which involves focusing our thoughts on sending and receiving love, kindness and warmth to and from others by silently reciting the same phrases over and over. It goes like this:
May I be filled with Loving Kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
Once you have recited this verse in your mind, focusing on these positive thoughts for yourself, you move on to replace the "I" with "You" and then finally once more with "We" or an alternative is "May all beings". Sounds nice right? It was indeed, pretty magical for me....
I went to bed that night and slept like a baby (but do babies really sleep well?....nevermind, moving on...). The next morning I awoke to the same bell ringer, wandering through at, yep, 5:30am. We were given 20 minutes to rise and get ready for the first zazen of the day, which was much like the one the previous night and then breakfast was served. The rest of the day continued on like this: Meditation, break, meditation, meal, work session on the land, meditation, an hour long break to wander the land, meditation, meal, break and yes, more meditation. Each zazen lasted 25 minutes, followed by a talk or a walking meditation and then right back into another 25minute-er! Meditation sessions with some optional chanting involved reciting verses provided from ancient Japanese Buddhist texts. The particular lineage followed by the monastery I visited was Zen Soto Buddhism, which I learned was a bit more rigid than others but I never felt forced to do anything that I was not comfortable with. I participated whenever it felt right or I was interested and otherwise just observed.
The Struggle is Real...
I will say that it was not always easy. In fact, I would venture to say it was very challenging at times. Being a total newbie at meditation, having only practiced for 10-20 minute lengths of time on my own, presented me with a whole range of emotions and experiences during each zazen or meditation session. There were times where I was ready to head for the hills, giving absolutely no attention to trying to focus on my breathe but only plotting my escape! My back would hurt or my knees or the person next to me was breathing heavily or there was in itch....oh there was always an annoying itch, that I wanted desperately to scratch but was trying not to. But then, curiously, my most difficult moments were often followed by moments of indescribable euphoria (delirium, you might be thinking!) I truly felt this overwhelming sense of peace and utter contentness ( is that even a word...yep, I checked). It is hard to explain but for stretches of time I simply felt good and at ease with all things. Of course, if I enjoyed that for too long, the back pain would commence. I did seem to understand my mind a bit more through out it all, having a range of emotions around this experience, I tried to finish sessions with a little mental pat on the back, reminding myself that I was doing the best I can with what I've got in this moment.
At one point we sang the Loving Kindness verse together as a group and well, that just caused me to weep...tears just cascading down my face, as we sang together this beautiful loving message out into the world. Group singing has the tendency to get me a little misty eyed, but I am special that way. There was also an opportunity to speak with one of the monks after one of the sessions. We broke up into smaller groups and were able to ask one of the monks questions or just share in our experience. Let me tell you, it made a huge difference in my perspective overall. It was nice to get to commiserate with the others and hear in their own challenges and celebrations.
Another part of the weekend I want to touch on, is the hour long free time. It was suggested to us that we wander the property taking time to absorb the beauty of the space and to practice being mindful and present in our surroundings. I spent time on my hands and knees looking at the forest floor, studying leaves, happening upon a little ant making its way. Then there was Jizo's Garden....where I had a good cry. Jizo is a Boddhisattva, whose mission is to help others. Jizo is also known as the protector of women and children and specifically is meant to help ease the grief of women who have lost children. This portion of the monastery was a moss covered trail filled with little statues and small laminated stories and pictures of children who had passed away. At first the sadness really overwhelmed me, but then after wandering through a bit, I recognized the potential for beauty and healing in such a place. Life is so very complicated.
The last day we continued on with the same lineup of meals and meditation. I was growing very comfortable in my routine and while I was starting to long for my family, I was immensely appreciative of this time to myself. I was surprised at how emotional it was for me to say goodbye to these people I had barely even spoken to but yet felt great love for.
The Drive Home
I drove home grappling with my re-entry. My weekend retreat had left me feeling grateful and a little bewildered. I wanted to share about my experience but was not sure I would be understood and I didn't want to come off too "preachy". Once home, I shared little bits at a time with my friends and family and then finally one day, spilled it all out to my husband. He agreed that he wasn't sure he could fully understand it, but was very supportive of my feelings around it all. He also expressed having had a moment of clarity around the idea and practice of meditation, which he said mysteriously made him feel some sort of peaceful interconnection that he couldn't quite describe. I felt exactly the same way.
I still practice meditation regularly and find it to be a welcome opportunity for peace of mind, especially when life throws me a curve ball. I am excited to be attending another Loving Kindness retreat this winter, as I feel this particular practice has helped me to become a more loving and forgiving person in general. For both myself, my family and my community.
If you are interested in reading other posts related to meditation and mindfulness, check out Meditation for Newbies or Daily Mindfulness Practice. Be well, be kind.